Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car