Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*