Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
At least he brought enough for everyone
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down