Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!

Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

2023 was just a warmup

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.