Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”

*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.