Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Make me look younger
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.