Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.


I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…


Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related


Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild


Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.


[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”


*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward



God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege


I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic