Me: I remember when people could smoke in a restaurant
10yo: I remember when people could go to a restaurant
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
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“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom.
The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I’ve strategically placed, should do the trick.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!