@BamDebikins

Yes, mother, I have gained weight.

No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.

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@LuckoftheDraw86

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

@junejuly12

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

@AphroditeAfter5

Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild

@karanbirtinna

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@Mr_Kapowski

*returns lost dog*

Lady: That’s not him. He was white

Me: *holding a brown dog* He asked to swing by the salon. Add the color to my reward

@T_Bonezzz

CREATION OF MAN

God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses

Angel: Yes, my Liege

@QuiteQuietOne

I just peed in my bath. But don’t worry, I won’t drink the water.

– 4 year old logic