Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
IT’S-A ME,
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day