Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
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it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it