Yes my dude
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LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”