Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
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Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
good work, detective
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams