Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
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DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
biblically accurate fire hydrant
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.