Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
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I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
#StillHurts
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.