Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*

FLOWER: What’s that?

BEE: I can explain

F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.