Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

New Tinder profile.

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.