Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
“What movie?” 🤔
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?