Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.