Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
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If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.