Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

Warm pools make me nervous.