yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
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a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
grandpa was shocked
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
ready to be harvested
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
#parenting
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.