yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭