yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
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My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration