yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
No laws when master is gone
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
2024 has been a rough few years
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”