yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
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a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.