Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”