Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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i don’t miss calls i stare at them
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows