Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…