Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him