Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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Oh boy, $150,000!
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*