Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.

why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Support your local cemetery

If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update