Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
☺️
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches