Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.

Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

This is my emotional support chloroform rag

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.