Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.