Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

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If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.


‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place


Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!


Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.


The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.


ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?