Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.

Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.