Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.