Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard