Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?