Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.