Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

😆

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

oppen heimer style lol

old twitter is back baby

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”

Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.