Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

Exhausted Parent PSA-

The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.

beware of dog

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie