If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.