Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
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In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
✨☝️✨
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?