Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
You Might Also Like
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.