Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets

every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun

Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

wife: where are the beans?

me: i made phones with the cans.

wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?

small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

[My first day as a garbageman]

Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.

Me: Goddammit

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.