Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
huge if true: the moon
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.