Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th