Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

Calling in stupid to work tomorrow