yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
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Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.