‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes