‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
perfect
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?