‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?