‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win