Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
How do you like your Corgi?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
We have a winner.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed