Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Okay this one takes it home
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.