Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Cheer up.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.