Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
