Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything