Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
boys are so easy to impress
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”