Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

This was a bad idea all around

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start