Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I need this for my side hustle.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣