Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”