Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
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She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Seems a bit forward
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again