Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Meow
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.