Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.