Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Damn he played himself
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99