Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
