Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
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The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
birds and squirrels envy us
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
#gardening
