Yes, this is exactly right
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
That earthquake could have been an email.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis