Yes, this is exactly right
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.