Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

I wasn’t snoring..

I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or