Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework

Me: -holds up yellow

Me: What color is this?

4: McDonalds

The end

Interviewed a Canadian.

She has a Canadian accent & boobs.

She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.

She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”