“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My dryer is celebrating lint.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Holy crap this is wonderful
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My dad teaching me to drive
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?