yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
peak technology
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Forever 21… pounds overweight
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”