Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
im gay on my mothers side
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?