Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
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blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!