Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?