“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me trying to “trust the process”
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….