“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I can’t wait!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Ron is short for Aaronald
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.